A lumpy, bumpy, horned monster
Lives right beneath my itty, bitty bed.
I asked that monster-sized monster to leave
But he completely refused and instead he said,

"I suffer from agoraphobia
So I cannot, will not ever leave.
It's a medical condition that demands
Understanding and empathy."

"But I've no cat, you silly monster.
We aren't allowed any hairy pets,
Because my mother is allergic to dander
Which you have in large quantities, I bet."

Then that monster gave out a monster-sized laugh,
Shaking my room off the Richter scale.
My cupboards shuddered, my books shook,
And emergency sirens began to wail.

"I don't see what's so funny!" I shouted,
As I caught a lamp in mid-air.
"You're confusing your phobias," he clarified.
But at that point, I didn't really care.

Still, he explained, "Ailurophobia is a fear of cats
From which I do not suffer.
My fear is of open spaces,
And that is why I require this buffer."

The monster gestured toward his mattress ceiling
As a visual demonstration,
But it's hard to feel sympathetic
When your room's suffered devastation
From that very monster's inhabitation
Due to psychological complications.

I was feeling a bit too much frustration
To feel anything for his situation.
Instead, I used my imagination
To find a way to encourage his migration
Away from under my itty, bitty bed
Perhaps to an itty, bitty city instead.

The wheels within my head rotated,
Thinking up an ingenious plan,
But I said to the monster, "Oh, I see."
To put the beast at his ease.
(The first stage of my plan.)
It worked! He responded with such glee,
"Oh good, you understand!"

I didn't and I wouldn't,
But I pretended that I might,
So I could form a second plan stage quick
And maybe get some sleep tonight
Free of a lumpy, bumpy bed
And monster-sized snoring that hurt my head.

But the beast fell too well for my act
And began giving suggestions without any tact
For making changes to my room.
That monster had to be removed!

"There are giant dust bunnies under here.
You probably should clean.
If they get in my nose and I should sneeze -
Well, you must see what I mean."

I nodded with understanding I didn't feel at all,
Thinking a horn-punctured bed,
While hard to explain,
Might be worth it for the cause.

"And you should wash your clothes more often,"
The monster continued to critique.
"It's not at all hygienic,
And that pile's starting to reek."

"Oh, does that bother you?" I asked,
Feigning great concern.
"Why yes," he answered gratefully.
"That stench makes my eyes burn."

"What else could be a difficulty?
You shouldn't suffer unnecessarily,"
I said in an encouraging way,
So he might give his pet peeves away.

The monster's tears of joy began to form
An unpleasant salty marsh,
And the beast's complaints became
Both personal and harsh.

He attacked my grooming and my hair,
Said mouthwash would make me bearable,
Wished I would bathe ten times a day,
So his life would not be terrible.

I thanked him for his candor
And promised his words would not be forgotten.
Then I left the room to consume
Some pungent food I'd gotten.

Then I played hard in the mud
Until I was nice and ripe.
Didn't bathe, brush, or change my clothes.
Just climbed in bed and said, "Good night."

And would you believe that monster-sized monster
Gathered some monster-sized courage that eve
And faced that agoraphobia?
I was both proud and relieved.

It's nice to know that my own scent
Can be a natural monster repellent.
I only wish my mother could understand
I cannot afford to take a chance

And tidy up or ever groom
For fear that monster might resume
His life beneath my itty, bitty bed
Within a comfortably clean, clean room.

It's the month of Halloween, so I'll be posting Spooky Simile Poems every Wednesday for the rest of the month. They are similar to Mystery Metaphor Poems in that the reader guesses the subject of the poem.

Good luck!

She had
Hair like moss, tangled, in the dell
Eyes like caves where bats would dwell
Eyelashes like webs a spider forgot
Nose like a sweet potato starting to rot
Ears like hornets' nests that sag
Teeth like barnacles on rocky crags
Lips like dry, cracked desert land
Chin like kelp-covered dune of sand
Skin like earth after a hard hail shower
Mole rising like the Devil's Tower
No need for her to stir brew and chant
One look at her would make one faint

What is it? Can you guess the subject of this poem? The answer is below, written backwards.

Answer: HCTIW

Other Spooky Simile & Metaphor Poems:

I have created some festive Diwali cards. (Diwali will be celebrated on November 9th this year).

Here's a sampling of some of the card styles:
diwali greeting card
diwali greeting card
diwali greeting card
diwali greeting card

See more of my Diwali Greeting Card designs on my Zazzle gallery at: http://www.zazzle.com/lisajparker*

Click the icon below to check out other Zazzle products:

In association with Zazzle.com

It's the month of Halloween, so I'll be posting Spooky Simile Poems every Wednesday for the rest of the month. They are similar to Mystery Metaphor Poems in that the reader guesses the subject of the poem.

Good luck!

It felt like a cool, mountain cloud passing through the room
It sounded like a rusty windchime clanking in a whistling breeze
It looked like there was nothing there at all
But I knew I was no longer alone

What is it? Can you guess the subject of this poem? The answer is below, written backwards.

Answer: TSOHG

Other Spooky Simile & Metaphor Poems:

Gaping eyes and nose
Jack-o-lantern on the porch
Big, flickering smile

Dark, abandoned house
Trick-or-treaters hurry past
They saw "Monster House"

Black Halloween cat
Lying in wait, in shadows
Eager to cross paths

Moonlight on werewolf
The beast within awakens
Yearns for a fresh kill

Spiny, horned monster
Hiding beneath my small bed
Mattress looks lumpy

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Lisa J. Parker's writing and creative works including poems, books, short stories, essays, movies, greeting graphics, and photographs.

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