Reporter:

This is Mr. Chakrborty from Kal Tak, reporting from the steps of the courthouse. Today an astonishing case will be heard by Justice Biswas. A common man is suing three of the most influential groups in India: the cricketers, the politicians, and the Bollywood actors. "What is he suing them for?" you ask. Mental trauma and defrauding the people of India.

Mr. Sharma of the defense, is just coming up the steps now. Mr. Sharma, what do you have to say about this case? It is unprecedented, is it not?  (holds microphone out to defending lawyer)

Defending Lawyer:

Unprecedented? I would say unbelievable.  (smirks, looks very confident) Some people have too much time on their hands, time they could be spending watching "Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki."

Reporter:

Thank you, Mr. Sharma.

Here comes the Prosecution. Mr. Varma, do you think you have a good chance of winning this case? (holds microphone out to the prosecuting lawyer)

Prosecuting Lawyer:

(pops antacids, looks very nervous, nods his head quickly, repeatedly)

Reporter:

Sir, do you have a comment?

Common Man:

(grabs the microphone) This is a case whose time has come. How long will we sit back and suffer and be oppressed? How long?

Reporter:

(takes back microphone) I guess we will find out the answer to that question in just a few minutes as the case begins.

Judge:

(enters, sits, picks up folder) Case #420. The common man versus cricketers, politicians, and Bollywood actors.

Proceed. (falls asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Prosecuting Lawyer:

I call Mr. Jadeja as a first witness.

Mr. Jadeja, it is true, is it not, that your teammates are involved in fixing matches?

Cricketer:

Huh?

Prosecuting Lawyer:

Your teammates fix matches. You are some of the most highly paid persons in the country between your salaries and endorsements for biscuits, soaps, Coca-Colas, Hero Hondas, clothing, Yamaha cycles, LG home appliances, etc. (counts on fingers as lists endorsements)

The Indian people trust you. They cheer for you, pray for you. And this is how you repay them?! I call this fraud! What do you call it?

Cricketer:

(yawn) Old news.

Prosecuting Lawyer:

Uh, what do you mean? (starts popping pills)

Cricketer:

The people involved in that were banned from cricket 3-4 years ago. That is an old issue. What have you interrupted my advertisement shoot to bother me about for this case?

Prosecuting Lawyer:

Well, um, I'm not sure. We began this case so far back. I guess it was an issue then, when we filed the case, I mean. Um .... (looks around, confused)

Cricketer:

Well, while you figure it out, can I go?

I'm in the middle of a commercial for Pepsident toothpaste.

Prosecuting Lawyer:

Really? Does that work well? I was thinking about getting some for my-. (points at "problem teeth" in mouth)

Defending Lawyer:

(stands) Objection! Relevance to this case?

Judge:

(wakes up) Order in the court! Order in the court! (bangs gavel)

Proceed. (starts to fall asleep)

Defending Lawyer:

But, Sir, he is wasting the court's time.

Judge:

(shakes his gavel at the defending lawyer)  Proceed. (falls back asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Cricketer:

(hands prosecutor his business card) Call me after the case and I'll hook you up.

Prosecuting Lawyer:

Wow. Thanks!

Cricketer:

(looks at defending lawyer) Any questions?

Defending Lawyer:

(shakes his head) No.

Cricketer:

(Cricketer puts on sunglasses, gets up and leaves)

Common Man:

(shakes his head, addresses the prosecuting lawyer) What are you doing?!

Prosecuting Lawyer:

(shrugs, pops more pills)

Judge:

(snores loudly, wakes himself up) Are we done here?

Prosecuting Lawyer:

(looks at common man, popping more pills, whispers) Are we done?

Common Man:

(stands) No, your honor. May I speak for myself?

Judge:

Who are you?

Common Man:

A common man.

Judge:

(eagerly) The common man from "You Said It"?

Common Man:

No, I'm a real common man. Not a cartoon. I am the person who has brought this case to you today..

Judge:

Oh. (looks bored) Okay, Commonman, proceed. (falls back asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Common Man:

(very loudly) I call Bollywood to the stand!

Judge:

(wakes up) Order! Order! (bangs gavel)

Common Man:

I was just calling my witness.

Judge:

That's fine. Just keep your voice down. (shakes his gavel at audience) There will be no shouting in my court. No need to shout (falls asleep while speaking, head hits table with a thud)

Common Man:

(in a quieter voice) I call Bollywood to the stand.

Cricketer:

(returns to the courtroom) Hello again.

Common Man:

You? But I-.

Cricketer:

Yeah, I know. (takes his seat) A person does a couple of movies: Dil Bechara Tumpe Aaya; Tu Mere Dil Ki Dhadkan; Pyar Hua Khullam Khulla; Mujhe Bahut Kuch Kehna Hai; Rampur Ke Chole; Dil Bada Chalak Hai; and, and ... (counts on his fingers as he lists titles)

Common Man:

And "Bahut Kuch Hota Hai."

Cricketer:

That's right. Thanks. So, a person does a few movies and Bollywood decides you should represent them in a court case. So, here I am.

Do you have anything to ask me as Mr. Bollywood ? Or can I get back to my commercial? The Pepsident is melting under the camera spotlights as we speak.

Common Man:

The Pepsident will have to wait a little longer.

Mr. Jadeja, I would like to ask you, as a representative of Bollywood, how you can sleep at night?

Cricketer:

(acts like he is selling a product) I use the Goodnight Mattress. "It's the best to help you rest."

Common Man:

That wasn't what I meant. Let me rephrase. Isn't it true that the 7 movies you put out last year were, well, terrible?

Cricketer:

Yes. But they had really great soundtracks.

Common Man:

How many rip offs of other movies?

Cricketer:

Nine.

Common Man:

(confused) Nine? But you were only in 7 movies last year.

Cricketer:

Yes, but "Dil Bada Chalak Hai" was a rip off of three movies.

Common Man:

(shakes his head in disbelief) And what about the rumors of links to the underworld?

Defending Lawyer:

(stands, speaks loudly) Objection! Objection! No relevance!

Judge:

(wakes up, bangs gavel) Order in the court! Order in the court! Proceed. (falls back asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Defending Lawyer:

(in a quiet voice, so he doesn't wake the judge) What is the relevance of these questions? (sits)

Common Man:

I am trying to show how Indian people are exploited. We are offered B- and C- grade products. Sugar with rocks. Movies with no plot. Cricket games that are fixed.

Why do we export rice, which is better than what we sell to our own people?

Cricketer:

I've done a lot of movies, but none have them have been about rice! (looks thoughtful) Well, I don't think they have. (starts counting on his fingers while he shakes his head.) No, no. No rice.

Common Man:

We are all capable of producing A-grade! We are all deserving of A-grade!

So why does Bollywood give us B-grade? Why are there no more Sholays?

Cricketer:

Bollywood is a big business. Why do you people go to the theaters if you think the movies are only B-grade?

Common Man:

(shouts) Yes! Yes! Why DO we go to the movie houses to watch terrible films, knowing that the rupees we hand over in exchange for our seat tickets will end up in the hands of the underworld lords?

Cricketer:

Um, are you asking me?

Judge:

(wakes up, bangs gavel) Order in the court! Order in the court! Proceed. (falls back asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Cricketer:

That's the question I asked YOU. Why DO you buy your movie tickets?

Common Man:

I keep hoping for a pleasant surprise. I keep hoping that the film will be better, that it will be A-grade.

Cricketer:

(sarcastically) And how's that working for you?

Listen, as long as you keep buying the tickets and putting money in our pockets, why should we change? If the system isn't broken, why should we fix it? Because one guy (points at common man) doesn't think "Style" is another Sholay?

Common Man:

(stands quietly, says nothing for a few seconds, then mutters) We deserve A-grade.

Defending Lawyer:

Do you have any other questions, Sir?

Common Man:

Um, I-, I-, I'd like to call another witness.

Cricketer:

(puts sunglasses on, starts to leave)

Common Man:

(loudly) I call the politicians of India!

Judge:

(wakes, bangs gavel) Order! Order in the Court! Proceed. ( falls back asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Cricketer:

(starts going back to the stand, takes off his sunglasses) That Pepsident must be oozing out of the tube by now.

Yes, it's me again. What can I say? I'm running for Chief Minister next term. Hey, if Schwarzenegger can do it? (shrugs)

Common Man:

That's okay. You can get back to your Pepsident. We have an actual elected official here. Thanks though.

Cricketer:

(puts on his sunglasses, speaks like Schwarzenegger in Terminator2)          I won't be back. (leaves)

Common Man:

I call an elected politician to the stand.

Politician:

(enters) It's so good to be here. I enjoy spending time with my constituents and hearing their concerns. (frozen-looking, fake smile)

Common Man:

That's good, because I have a lot of them.

First, Mr. Yadav, I would like to question you about the corruption in this country. 42 percent of Indians using government services end up paying bribes according to a survey commissioned by the CVC.

Defending Lawyer:

(stands) Objection. Is there a question? (sits)

Judge:

(wakes, bangs gavel) Order in the court. (yawns) Proceed. (falls back asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Common Man:

Sir, how do you respond to this?

Politician:

We are aware of the corruption at lower levels of government, and we take this problem very seriously. I want to assure you that we are doing everything we can to "root out corruption." (flashes big smile)

Common Man:

What are you doing specifically to "root out corruption"?

Politician:

"This malady has been in existence for more than 50 years. It is wrong to think that we can root it out in three months. However, we are committed to rooting out corruption." (big smile as if posing for a camera)

Common Man:

Sir, please answer the question.

Politician:

I just did.

Common Man:

I'm sorry. I must have missed the specific details of your plan to root out corruption.

Defending Lawyer:

(stands, speaks loudly) Objection! Question has been answered by the witness. Prosecution is badgering the witness!

Judge:

(wakes, bangs gavel) Order! Keep your voices down! Pro-

Defending Lawyer:

But he is badgering the witness!

Judge:

No badgering, Sir. And this is my last warning, keep your voices down. I will not have any more shouting in my courtroom! ( falls back asleep, head hits table with a thud)

Common Man:

But- (sees judge has fallen asleep) Okay, Sir, what do you have to say about Tehelka and their charges that the government has been targeting them since their investigation that exposed corruption at the highest levels of government?

Politician:

It is a bad time for dot com companies. It is a shame that they feel they must blame their misfortune on others. I want to assure everyone that we are committed to looking at ways to improve the economic situation of India for the dear people of India. (big smile)

Common Man:

But what about their videotape showing high level officials discussing offers of bribes?

Politician:

A commission was appointed. If there was corruption, we would, of courseÑ

Common Man:

I know, I know "root it out."

Defending Lawyer:

(stands) Objection. Speaking for the witness.(sits)

Judge:

(stirs a little) Proceed. (Waves hand, doesn't raise head from desk.)

Common Man:

I would like to ask you about the railway accidents that regularly kill and maim hundreds of innocent people. Do you consider yourself responsible for that?

Politician:

No. As I have said many times before, it is the fault of the stars.

Common Man:

(loudly) What?! You blame Bollywood for the railway accidents?

Politician:

No, the stars! Heavenly bodies.

Judge:

(wakes, bangs gavel) Order in the c-. Wait. Stars? Heavenly bodies? (eagerly)  Is Aishwarya Rai here as a witness too?

Common Man:

No.

Judge:

Kareena Kapoor? (smiles, smooths hair with hand)

Politician:

No. I am speaking of astrological stars.

Judge:

(disappointed) Oh. (Goes back to sleep, gavel falls off table, stirs a little, snores)

Politician:

As I was saying, it was not an auspicious time for travel. How can I be blamed?

Common Man:

Easily. I blame you. I think you should take some responsibility. It is your job after all to take care of the people who elected you.

Politician:

I take my job very seriously. The people of India are important to me. (pulls large box full of paper from behind table)

Common Man:

What's that?

Politician:

My resignations from last month. The people and the opposition called for them, so I obeyed, a humble servant of the people. I tried to step down. I cannot help it if my resignations aren't accepted.

Common Man:

Yes, the dramas of your numerous resignations have taken up more television time than "Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi." And more front pages than the fates of the victims of the rail accidents.

Wouldn't you serve the people better by performing your job competently?

Politician:

(dramatically, as if for news cameras) We were saddened and moved by the tragedy. Families of victims will be given 2 lakhs apiece to help them through this difficult time. We are dedicated to-.

Common Man:

2 lakhs . 2 lakhs ? Is that the price of a human life?

Politician:

Of course, we could never make up for the loss of a loved one-"

Common Man:

And do the people ever see these lakhs ? Are the 2 lakhs  any more than words spoken, promises broken?

(points at politician accusingly) You are a parasite, Sir! A parasite on the backs of the people of India. I demand that you admit to the charges of defrauding us!

Defending Lawyer:

(gets up to object, but is cut off) Ob-.

Politician:

(loudly, loses his temper) A parasite? A parasite could not live without a willing host! If I am a parasite, you are my life's blood!

Judge:

(Wakes up. Looks dazed. Reaches for gavel but it isn't there.) Order? (Head goes back and forth as if watching a tennis match between common man and politician.)

Common Man:

What? How does that excuse your being a parasite? Have you no decency?

Politician:

How easy it must be for you to stand there and question me as if you were objective, as if you were above the politics of India.

You are concerned about corruption?

Common Man:

Yes, of course. This country is riddled with it.

Politician:

Well, what have you done personally to eliminate corruption?

Common Man:

(confused) What?

Politician:

I asked you what you have done. I have organized committees and investigations. I have given speeches denouncing corruption. What have YOU done? (flashes big smile)

Common Man:

But I am only one small man, and the problems are so huge and overwhelming. You have the power of-.

Prosecuting Lawyer:

(hops up) Gandhi-Ji was only one man. Anna Hazare is only one man. Tehelka is only three men today. Yes, what have YOU done? (is embarrassed for losing himself, looks around, slumps into chair, continues popping pills as if they are popcorn and he is watching a  show)

Common Man:

What? I have brought forth this trial.

Defending Lawyer:

Why? Why did you bring about this trial today? To change India? You are here for your own 2 lakhs to compensate you for your own so-called suffering, aren't you? You consider yourself a victim. You sit, whine, and complain. You cannot claim ignorance, because you are aware of the corruption. Still, you stand there and do nothing more than every other man who stands back and says "It is God's will."  You point fingers at others.  Well, I point my finger at you. (points finger at common man) What have you done but contribute to the problem?

Judge:

(Gets on floor to look for gavel, falls asleep on floor as he reaches for it.)

Common Man:

What are you talking about?

Defending Lawyer:

Sir, did you watch the fixed cricket matches?

Common Man:

Yes. But everyone watched those matches.

Defending Lawyer:

(cuts common man off) Did you do anything other than complain when you learned of the match fixing?

Common Man:

No. But what was I to do?

Defending Lawyer:

(cuts common man off) So, you weren't motivated to change things at that time?

Common Man:

I didn't think it was much of an issue then. I figured others, more powerful people, would take care of the problem.

Defending Lawyer:

So, you admit to being apathetic?

Common Man:

What?

Defending Lawyer:

Do you go to Bollywood films? And buy the movie soundtracks?

Common Man:

Yes. But everyone does. The soundtracks are actually good.

Defending Lawyer:

(cuts common man off) So, you support the industry financially?

Common Man:

Yes. But-.

Defending Lawyer:

(cuts common man off, says sarcastically) Yes, I know, you thought HOPING would be a good strategy to change things.

Do you elect these corrupt politicians?

Common Man:

Yes. But all of the politicians are corrupt.

Defending Lawyer:

So, you know that the politicians are corrupt, but you support them with votes. (sarcastically) Yes, I can see you really care about India.

Common Man:

You are saying I shouldn't vote at all? I choose the lesser of the evils. I do what I can with the choices I have.

Defending Lawyer:

Are you sure that you want to eliminate corruption, Sir? I don't see it.

Common Man:

Yes. Of course. That's why I brought this case-.

Defending Lawyer:

Why haven't you denounced government corruption publicly instead of behind the closed doors of the court system?

Common Man:

So, I could be targeted as Tehelka was?

Defending Lawyer:

(condescendingly) So, your excuse is fear, an unjustified fear from the reports I have seen and from the testimony we have heard here today. (gestures to the politician)

Politician:

(gives a big smile)

Defending Lawyer:

Perhaps the truth is the cost was too high. You don't care THAT much, right?

Common Man:

(looks confused) I'm only one man. What can I do?

Defending Lawyer:

Um, organize maybe? (laughs)

(points at common man dramatically) YOU should ask the people of India to forgive you.

Common Man:

What? But why?

Defending Lawyer:

YOU, Sir, are guilty of defrauding the people of India. You gave them false hope today, but we exposed you. You are aware of the problems. Still, you do nothing, because you are apathetic and full of excuses. The cost of India's deliverance from corruption is too high for you. You pretend to care about your country by standing in this courtroom today, but you are really here to point fingers at others and to beg for lakhs for yourself. You have wasted everyone's time.

Common Man:

(shocked, quiet for a moment, then quietly) Yes. I guess you are right about that. I'm no leader for this movement. And I have contributed to the problems by my inaction. Perhaps I haven't done all I could.

Defending Lawyer:

(loudly) Aha! So, you admit you are guilty?

Judge:

(wakes up from floor, grabs gavel, pounds it on the floor) Order in the court. (realizes he is on the floor, gets up quickly) Order! Or-.

Common Man:

Yes. Of that, I'm guilty.

Judge:

Guilty? Guilty! (bangs gavel gleefully) We have a confession of guilt! Case closed! Take him away!

Common Man:

But what about you? (points to defense lawyer) And you? (points to politician) And you? (points to prosecuting lawyer) And you? (points to judge) And you? (points to audience) Are you any different that I?

If I am guilty, we are all guilty!

Judge:

Order in the court! Order in the court! (bangs gavel)

(waving gavel at common man) I warned you not to shout in my court.

Take him away from my sight! (Common Man is led away)

(checks watch) Good. I can get home in time for Kaun Banega CrorePati.

Politician:

I love that Amitji.